between the broken places

Archive for October 29th, 2009

Writing Though I Don’t Feel Like It – Another Ramble

I’m feeling a little…hmmm…I don’t even know what this feeling is.  Lazy, bored, tired, numb?  I don’t know and I hate that I don’t know, I am not good with not knowing.  So what do I know?

I’m not sleeping more than 4 hours a night and that’s never good.  I mopped the hallway and kitchen at 1:45 this morning; 0dd for me.

I’m not writing the way I had been.  I’ve been trying to write something with meaning, with purpose – that’s been fruitless.  I have pumped out some poetry which I haven’t done for years.  It’s all a little depressing but pretty vivid, maybe someone will enjoy it.  I’m whining.  I don’t like whining; sadly I do it well and all too frequently.

I have a writing class today and no inclination to attend – oh look, it’s me not finishing something – AGAIN (my mother’s voice is swirling in my head- told ya, she sings). Crap, I don’t like to prove her right; it’s annoying.

I’m in physical pain – that’s at least as bad as not sleeping.

I’ve been laid off and the worry about money is vague but it’s there.  My husband is stressed about his job, which I try not to take on but it’s difficult.

So whooo hooo, it’s a list of my triggers: chronic pain, lack of sleep and money issues.  Toss in the fact that the tonsillectomy has created some food issues (I still can’t taste some foods and other food tastes weird) and all I need is some sort of abandonment and I will fall off the deep end.  Yet, I don’t feel depressed.  Hell, I don’t really feel anything substantial – WHAT IS THIS?

I want to go to sleep until I will wake up and feel better. Too bad I know that the only way to beat this feeling is to not go to bed and ignore life.  Blah!  I really wish these feelings would just take care of themselves.  I don’t feel like taking care of anyone right now – especially not someone as needy as I can be.

I’m heading to bed – don’t judge me – I can take care of that myself.

Hope you have a good, productive day.  –Bipolar Chick the Sleepless Wonder

I’ve Got Your Crazy

Quiet and sneaky you crawled out of my heart

At times I can’t tell where I end and you start

When I am strong – you are weak, hard to see

But when you take over I cease to be me

No one’s sure what to call you – disease, illness, disorder

To me you are just a non-rent paying boarder

You bounce through my life from the wild to lazy

They think that it’s me but you bring the crazy

The pills help me keep you contained in a box

But when you leak out it’s my life that rocks

The friends and the loved ones you have not scared away

They no longer demand they just hope day to day

Once surrounded by scorn, fear, shame and blame

I now understand and can call you by name

No longer a victim of your evil steam roller

I shout from the rooftop – That’s Right, I’m Bipolar