between the broken places

Posts Tagged ‘bipolar’

Why A Blog?

Because it’s never too late to be who you were meant to be.

At the age of 44 (45 is next month, thank you) I have found myself wondering the age old question, “Is this all there is?” I know that there can always be more to life, that it’s just a matter of going out and getting it. But it seems I typically have just enough energy for what I’ve got and nothing more. Well, I want more.

My mother used to tell me that I never finished anything I started. That’s true most of the time – so maybe I’m just trying to prove something. On the other hand, if it’s the journey that is important am I supposed to finish? Ok, yes, I know I am but in my own defense most of my hair-brained schemes have begun to the wild beating of my manic drums. However, this scheme, idea, true calling has not been forged in the fires of mania. This dream has been stirred, added to and simmered in my life’s cauldron for many years; each experience bringing new spice to the elixir that makes up the delicious concoction of me.
Bipolar Disorder is but one ingredient in the mixture. I have survived emotional and physical abuse, childhood molestation and rape at the age of 20. My physical ailments include obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and high triglycerides. I have taken up to 26 pills a day to treat these maladies; spent endless hours and countless dollars in the effort to make myself “normal”. Thank God, “normal” continues to elude me.

My family influences include not knowing the truth of my birth until I was 28 (I’m the product of a one-night stand) thus growing up with an emotionally repressed mother and a step-father who took to causing me pain to hurt her. I married young and subsequently divorced eight years later. I then explored new territory by becoming a non-custodial mother to my two young daughters. I am the mother, sister, daughter and granddaughter of those who have survived and succumbed to cancer. And still I go on.

So why a Blog? Can’t you tell? I’ve got lots to say and the story is boiling over to be told.

Stuck in the mud…a rambling

I’m having a problem blogging. I’m not sure anyone will want to read about my ups and downs with bipolar disorder but I do have things to say about it. I’ve been home; stuck in the mud; going to the doctors; and trying to regain a sense of normalcy for two months. I love to work, so two months is a long time for me to be home. My head hurts all the time and I haven’t been sleeping but I think the increase of anti-depressant and the addition of a mood stabilizer is finally having an effect. I’m scheduled to return to work on July 1st. Problem is: work caused this depression episode in the first place. Ugh. If I go back it has to be in a different job but I don’t think they have anything open so then what? I don’t want to have to quit but I can’t even drive by the building without feeling uptight. You know the definition of crazy: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I’m too old for this crap. I thought I had this under control and yet the one thing I’ve learned about life is that we can manage outside forces but control them…ha! I hate when I feel this way. It’s so counter productive. Like I said…stuck in the mud…it gets you no where. Uh oh…starting to get visual disturbances…freaky flashes of iridescent waves, this usually means a migraine is not too far behind. Great I could really use that! Just piling on the crap. Ahhhh!