In response to a recent Healthy Place newsletter story titled, “Are you your psychological disorder”, I say YES – I am.

I am Bipolar, just as I am a redhead, I am Irish and Native American, I am diabetic.  None of these descriptive phrases cause me shame or bring stigma into my life.  I recognize that this in not true for everyone and I do agree that people don’t refer to themselves as, “cancer” or “heart disease”.  However, many do state that they are, “diabetic, lactose intolerant, overweight”.  Stating that, “I am bipolar” is empowering to me.  The phrase gives me ownership of a chronic condition (unlike my red hair which is showing way too much gray!).  For me it shows that I have accepted my illness, which allows me to control it better.  Saying, “I have bipolar disorder” has a victim mentality to me and I am no victim.  I speak freely and honestly about my disorder and saying, “I’m bipolar” -which  I say with pride- works for me.

This is not a condemnation on those who state, “I have bipolar disorder”.  This is a very personal statement that some people can’t say at all.  The phrase is a matter of individual preference and however you choose to state your relationship to your disorder is your choice.  

Happy New Year!  May 2010 be even better than 2009.

I am once again stepping onto the path towards the last locked door.  I will travel through the maze of my mental illness, pushing beyond the boundaries of my bipolar disorder and defying the depths of my depression; you are welcome to accompany me if you wish (rafts and life preservers will be furnished upon request).  I had hoped to delve into this journey today, January 1, 2010 but I didn’t…or maybe I did and just didn’t realize it.  I want to share my experiences not just as a diary of daily doings but as a witness to the functioning and non-functioning parts of me with the hopes that some of my solutions for my own life will be of some service or bring some light into someone else’s life.  It’s later than I had hoped to start (10:32 pm – well into my medicated sleep pattern) but I didn’t want to miss starting on the first, so here I am.  As for my diary of daily doings…see below:

I spent the day with my husband and that was nice though by the end of the day he was not feeling well…should I take that personally???

I did not speak to anyone on the phone today, which I’m okay with.  I wished a few Happy New Year wishes to a few loved ones but otherwise didn’t go out of my way.  The way has been blocked since Christmas when a large gathering at my house was both enjoyed and endured until my very nerve endings pulsated in over stimulation.  I’ve needed sleep and silence but have not been afforded much of either.  No one’s fault except my own; I have not asked for the quiet that I long for, thus I have not received it.  Perhaps tomorrow.

This evenings promise to me:  To find purposeful silence tomorrow.

Lesson still needing to be learned and put into action:  Ask for what I want (so much harder than it seems).

Good Night for now.  More tomorrow.

Bipolar Chick

It’s not just a relapse, it’s déjà vu

Suicidal again, too dark to be blue

Dreams jumbled in nightmares,

or no sleep at all

Standing right on the edge,

trying hard to not fall

Unable to run, there’s nowhere to hide

Better hang on tight, just enjoy the ride

Eradicating Shame, Blame and Toxic Niceness:   What am I talking about?

Shame is what we feel when we think something inside of us is inherently wrong.

Eradicating Shame is done by learning that it’s OK to be who we are…illness and all.

Blame is finding fault with…ourselves, our parents, our illness, heck everything and everyone.

Eradicating Blame is done by taking responsibility for our lives through knowledge and understanding of ourselves and our illness.  It’s also about forgiving.

Toxic Niceness is the chronic urge to please or placate others avoiding conflict at all costs.

Eradicating the Toxic Niceness of our Bipolar selves requires learning how to say no, asking for help when it’s needed and taking care of ourselves and our illness.

Eradicating the Toxic Niceness of those who do not have Bipolar Disorder is done through talking about our illness thus educating the public at large and helping to destroy the stigma attached to all mental illness.

My version of “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus”
I was awake, what else was I going to do? Enjoy…

DEAR DOCTOR: I am 44 years old.
“Some of my ‘normal’ friends say there is no Bipolar Disorder.
“Mom says, ‘If you have a 296-DSM code it must be so.’
“Please tell me the truth; does Bipolar Disorder exist?

Bipolar Chick – Eradicating Shame, Blame and Toxic Niceness
North Carolina

Dear Bipolar Chick, your friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age or struck blind by the stigma surrounding mental illness. They do not believe except [what] they see or feel. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, BC (May I call you BC?), whether an adult’s or child’s, are little. In this great universe of ours we are a mere speck as compared with the boundless world about us, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, BC, Bipolar Disorder does exist. It exists as certainly as the wild spending of ever-increasing credit card debt and thoughts of grandiosity and sleepless nights exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest of highs and lowest of lows. Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Bipolar Disorder. It would be as dreary as if there were no Bipolar Chicks. There would be no need for the 296 DSM codes, no poetry of depression, no romantic manic memories to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light and darkness with which Bipolar Disorder fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Bipolar Disorder! You might as well not believe in cigarette addiction! You might get your friends to watch you everyday waiting for a mood swing, but even if they did not witness a mood swing, what would that prove? Not everyone would recognize a mood swing, but that is no sign that there is no Bipolar Disorder. The most real things in the world are those that people can not see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn (not during an manic episode)? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders that are unseen and unseeable in the world.

No Bipolar Disorder! Thank the Gods! It exists (it explains so many things), and so does treatment. In the not too distant future, Bipolar Chick, you and others like you will come together to fight this good fight. You will rally the troops, march on Capital Hill and demand the world take notice and you will be triumphant.

The world will begin to understand, to sympathize (in a non-condescending, toxic niceness manner) and they will see that Bipolar Disorder is no stranger than Diabetes or Cancer and they will forget their fear and fight for more research and medical intervention.

And someday, Bipolar Chick, you may no longer have to fight to eradicate shame, blame and toxic niceness…someday, we (working together) may eradicate the stigma of mental illness all together.