between the broken places

Posts Tagged ‘shame’

The Snake Pit of Shame

(I don’t know why I wrote this – it just sort of wrote itself)

The snake pit of shame is where I retreat after my manic brain releases me from its clutches.  Most certainly, I have screwed up again; said or done something I should not have, surrendered when I should have been strong.  As the anxiety becomes overwhelming I spot the hidden door.  My self-hatred conceals the secret password until I am too far beyond resistance.  And with the mere thought of that loathing, the door opens and the pit sucks me into its deep, black belly.

The dead weight of me slams onto the cold, concrete of the circular room.  A whirling dervish of confusion, I am uncertain where to go in the room filled with so many doors.  So many options, so little time before someone notices I’m gone.  My eyes scan the room for a place to rest but one does not exist; this is not a place of comfort.

I crouch on the floor as winter’s wild breath whips through the cracks of the room.  My bones have turned to icicles, my heart temporarily to stone; I will break more easily now – all the better.  A vague thought whispers the promise of torment. I creep forward in the dark, not certain which misdeed has brought me to this hell.  Slinking towards a door an evil scream cackles out the name of some past transgression – bad mother, bad lover, bad me.

I do not have to force myself to reach for a doorknob; I recognize the need to feel this pain.  There will be no escape until punishment has been served.  It is shame and depression and I am to blame.  I have lost control; slowly given in, thrown in the towel and now I must make restitution in full.  I wallow in the snake pit as long as I can.  Lying to those around me; I’m fine just a little blue; I’ll get out of bed soon – if only they knew.  But understanding completely is lost on those who do not suffer mental illness.  Their imagination cannot find the road to this dank well and for that I am content.  I journey on alone; eventually finding the way out and sometimes no one is the wiser.  Secrets are important to my survival, what others don’t know can’t hurt me – much.

Eradicating Shame, Blame and Toxic Niceness

Eradicating Shame, Blame and Toxic Niceness:   What am I talking about?

Shame is what we feel when we think something inside of us is inherently wrong.

Eradicating Shame is done by learning that it’s OK to be who we are…illness and all.

Blame is finding fault with…ourselves, our parents, our illness, heck everything and everyone.

Eradicating Blame is done by taking responsibility for our lives through knowledge and understanding of ourselves and our illness.  It’s also about forgiving.

Toxic Niceness is the chronic urge to please or placate others avoiding conflict at all costs.

Eradicating the Toxic Niceness of our Bipolar selves requires learning how to say no, asking for help when it’s needed and taking care of ourselves and our illness.

Eradicating the Toxic Niceness of those who do not have Bipolar Disorder is done through talking about our illness thus educating the public at large and helping to destroy the stigma attached to all mental illness.